Super Bomber Guys TTG “…known to the FBI” Edition
The unholy wedlock between two of my all-time favorite games: Tom Jolly’s criminally underappreciated TTG Wiz-War, and the videogame series, Bomberman.
Basically, you control a bomber guy. You maneuver through a maze, drop bombs, blow up the map and collect loot, and blow up the other players. You’ll like it.
2-6 players
1-2 hours playtime
Medium-low complexity
The Story
Oh, Jesus. I gotta write lore for this thing? Alright… uh… fuck it, let's make up some stupid JRPG videogame nonsense plot.
Once upon a time there were 5 gods, each of whom represented the 5 elements upon which all creation depends: water, fire, earth, air, and bombs. Their names were something obvious like… Watera, Firo, Eartho, Aira, and Bombo.
Bombo was picked on constantly by the other four elemental gods because there were no bombs in the universe for roughly 13.7 billion years. Then one day, some dude named Sir Fred Hoyle coined the term "Big Bang." Suddenly, the nerd god that had been getting roasted for 13.7 billion years was getting all the attention. "Big Bang this" and "Big Bang that." Creating the universe was a group effort, but now Bombo was getting all the credit. Then astrophysicists started saying that all the stars in the galaxy were giant nuclear explosions. Firo had always been the kindest to Bombo because they had a lot in common, but now the bomb god was getting all the credit for Firo's proudest achievement: the stars.
The water goddess, Watera, was always the meanest to the bomb god. She was a total cunt, to be honest. And very manipulative. She and Firo never got along, but she pretended to sympathize with him and said he should do something cus Bombo was getting full of himself and making Firo look like a total bitch in front of everyone. Firo was feeling pretty salty, but he wasn't about to do anything drastic.
Bombo was enjoying the new attention. He started working out and wearing sunglasses and he got a greaser pompadour haircut. He spent most of his time working on his 1958 Plymouth Fury's internal combustion engine and listening to the B-52s, while he smoked cigarettes and drank straight mezcal. Bombo was starting to get pretty fucking cool. Maybe even cooler than Firo (who had always been the coolest god).
But it got worse. Bombo was getting tons of attention for all kinds of cool things like nuclear bombs and napalm. Napalm! That should have been Firo's thing! How could Bombo get credit for that?? Bombo even got credit for sexy women when guys started describing them as "bombshells."
The final straw was in 1982 when funk group The Gap Band released their hit single You Dropped A Bomb On Me. Every love song ever had been about fire. Elvis Presley's Burning Love, Blue Oyster Cult's Burnin' For You, and Jody Reynolds’ Fire of Love. And that bitch Watera kept singing that Gap Band song every time she saw Firo. It was too much. There was no way in fucking hell that Firo was gonna let this stand.
So Firo—being the one god who would tell the other gods to cool it when they were being too mean to Bombo, and the closest thing Bombo had to a friend—had earned a little of Bombos trust. Firo invited Bombo to a kegger with the other gods. Bombo had never been invited before. He felt like his patience finally paid off. He was finally cool enough to party with Firo, Watera, Eartho, and Aira.
But this was all a prank to humiliate him. When Bombo arrived at Aira's house a block away from Ursa Major (which is a really swanky neighborhood), the other gods shoved him into the basement and shut the door on him. He could hear their taunting laughter through the door. He got pissed. Like super pissed. Like 13.7 billion years of being picked on pissed. He was so pissed, he went full Carrie mode. It was just a prank, bro! But Bombo was pissed enough that he was about to blast apart the whole universe and annihilate all creation. The other gods freaked out.
Okay. These kinda of things always have a magical artifact, right? We gotta have one of those. Okay, so the other gods gathered together to create the… uh… pipe bomb… of… (gotta be something that sounds really important)... Aeons? Yes! They created THE PIPE BOMB OF AEONS! (Wtf is an aeon? Doesn't matter. It sounds important and cool.) The other gods trapped Bombo inside THE PIPE BOMB OF AEONS, imprisoning him just moments before he could explode the universe.
Then everyone realized they'd fucked up. They’d finally pushed Bombo too far. This explosive device was improvised. They didn't really know how to make bombs. That was always kind of Bombo's thing. The bomb was really unstable and could go off very easily. To make matters worse, the universe would be out of balance with one of the elemental gods trapped inside (booming, echoey voice) THE PIPE BOMB OF AEONS. So they hid it in some backwoods middle-of-nowhere solar system where no one would ever find it.
Now the story needs some kind of stupid ass prophecy. And a bad guy, like a cyborg doctor. How about this: Like 10,000 years later, the evil genius cyborg doctor Bagura…
He looks like this, by the way…
the evil genius cyborg doctor Bagura
The evil genius cyborg doctor Bagura (who has conquered a ton of galaxies with his robot armies) heard the legend of THE PIPE BOMB OF AEONS and became fascinated with the idea. If he could release Bombo, he could reset the universe with a new Big Bang. A whole new universe from scratch, but using his super technology, he could make it any way he liked! A universe where you never need more than two wads of toilet paper. A universe where tempura-fried Oreos are healthy. A universe where the show The Big Bang Theory is never made. He could have the power of a GOD!!
We gotta have special people who are super extra awesome just because they were born with special powers for some reason. Like Harry Potter. Or Ender Wiggins. Or every single X-Men character. Or Eren Yeager. Or Paul Atreides. Or Mega Man. Basically every main character in every popular science fiction and fantasy story written in the last 60 years. People love that shit.
Evil genius cyborg doctor Bagura discovered that as soon as Bombo had become cool, Bombo did the Zeus thing and was banging tons of mortal babes, knocking them up, and creating children who grew up to be guys with super bomber abilities. You might even call them "Super Bomber Guys." Evil genius cyborg doctor Bagura hopped into his time machine (he has a time machine, by the way) and traveled to earth to collect these Super Bomber Guys, the greatest all-time champions of bombing.
He kidnapped them and flew them on his spaceship to THE PIPE BOMB OF AEONS, presently in orbit around a star. Oh, I forgot to mention that the pipe bomb is fucking gigantic. It has 0.98 Earth gravity and its own atmosphere. It's been there so long, there's even flora and fauna growing on it, and primitive blue people who don't realize that their tube-shaped homeworld is actually a god-prison / universe-destroying bomb.
(Let's rip off Mortal Kombat a little with this last part.) The evil genius cyborg doctor Bagura has created a tournament on THE PIPE BOMB OF AEONS so that all of the greatest bombers in history can compete in a ridiculous televised Running Man kind of thing, except with bombs. Only one bomber can survive and be crowned the greatest bomber in the universe! EGCDB (I'm calling him that now cus his name is too long to keep typing) has even invited all his generals and celebrities from across the cosmos to bear witness. The battles will be live streamed across the universe. But only EGCDB knows the true purpose of the tournament: to make everyone witness the destruction of the universe and his ascension to godhood!!
Of course, EGCDB has no intention of letting the winner survive. Little do the bombers know that if they are all killed in close proximity to THE PIPE BOMB OF AEONS then their combined bomber-soul-ghosts or whatever will burn so brightly that it will trigger the blast cap and trigger Big Bang 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Will the bombers learn of the true purpose of the tournament, and set aside their differences to work together to defeat EGCDB? Or will they all kill each other off, so that EGCDB will only have to defeat a single, exhausted Super Bomber Guy to complete his evil scheme?
Play the game to find out!!!
And there's a princess you have to rescue or some shit.
As for what happened with the other elemental gods, I don't care. I'm done writing this stupid lore. Let's move on. I'm making this shit up as I type it, so give me a break.
SGES version