THE BIBLE is the Worst Tom Clancy Novel I Have Ever Read

A book review.

A few years ago, I had a lot of time on my hands and found some Tom Clancy novels at the prison library. I read them all in record time. I wanted to order some more, so I asked my cellmate if he could recommend any other novels by the author. He told me I should read The Bible. I hadn’t heard of it so I asked around about it. I was shocked by how many other people had read it and had such glowing reviews of it. Several told me it changed their lives and that it helped them quit drugs. Wow! How have I never heard of this book before?

This will be a spoiler free review of the first two parts of the series, so don’t worry if you haven’t picked up a copy.

If you are a Tom Clancy fan, as I am, this book will come as a shock right on page one. Clancy abandoned his signature style of realistic military thrillers with The Bible and attempted to write a genre-blending epic historical fantasy bodice-ripper. Clancy is known for adventure and action about secret military operations and CIA operatives fighting terrorists and he brings those stories to life by drawing upon his deep understanding of those subjects. With The Bible, he fumbles into a strange experimental structure that left me just as confused as the first time I listened to Kanye West’s album, Use Your Illusion. I respect that Clancy and Kanye were brave enough to step outside of their comfort zone, but sometimes a person should really stick with what they know.

I might be one of the rare people in the Western world who did not care for this book. The story is inconsistent, the pacing is abhorrent, and the characters are absolutely bizarre, and the plots remind me of a William S. Burroughs novel. I was expecting a book about apache helicopters, spies smuggling secret documents, and compelling terrorist villains. The Bible has none of those things. The story is nearly impossible to follow, but it has a very novel structure. Instead of telling a simple story in one time and place, the first party is a series of short stories, with each successive story following down a genealogy across hundreds of years. I enjoyed this very much. The only constant character is the elusive and mysterious antihero called God, a powerful ghost that lives by his own moral code, much like a Clint Eastwood’s legendary character, The Man With No Name.

Tom Clancy has a very clear writing style that is a breeze to consume on a beach blanket by the ocean in a single afternoon. The Bible is nothing like that at all. It uses a completely fictionalized style of language that is nearly unreadable and can barely even be called English. I appreciate his attempt to construct a completely fictional fantasy language in the style of JR Tolkien or Irvine Welsh, but this was painful. He invents absurd words like “thou” and “pharaoh,” a word that is as unpronounceable as any HP Lovecraft monster. The strangest bit is that he numbered every single sentence. Why? Why do that?

Part I is a genre blend of fantasy, Harlequin romance, and historical fiction. The stories are very strange and have very adult themes that would make a 50 Shades reader blush. You can find incest, rape, and polygamy, in nearly every chapter. Take this snippet, for example:

Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.

Besides being sexually graphic, the violence in The Bible is so over the top that Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy seems PG rated by comparison. This book is definitely for adults only and NOT family friendly.

In Part II, the story breaks from the previous format entirely and instead focuses on God’s son, a Hispanic wizard named Jesús. His story has much less sex and is relatively kid friendly by comparison. It is structured in the style of Rashomon. Jesús’s story is told as contradictory versions of events through the perspectives of his unreliable narrator apprentices.

Clancy makes several nods to the genres he is experimenting with, just like a Quentin Tarantino film. There are small Easter eggs hidden throughout that only the most devoted fans will notice, like inside jokes. Without giving too much away, there is a blatant reference to Star Wars Episode I. In the climax sequence of Part II, the story takes the hue of a Clive Barker story, and features a dragon riding prostitute, a not-too-subtle nod to the character Daenerys from George RR Martin’s celebrated series.

I found little in here that was new or inventive. The themes and characters are so derivative that The Bible borders on plagiarism of the Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, The Stand by Stephen King, and In The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco.

Hollywood has been desperate for new profitable franchises, and Clancy’s stories have provided it with The Catholic Cinematic Universe films. The Exorcist II (1977), The Mission (1986), and 10 Commandments (1956), and The Passion of the Christ (2004).

Clancy died before finishing his stories, and just like Robert Jordan and Frank Herbert, other people stepped up to continue his stories in his absence. The Bible had two authors complete his series. Part III in the series called The Koran by mononymous author Mohammad. Part IV, The Book of Mormon, is written by the highly regarded historian of Native American history, Joseph Smith. Part III has become immensely popular, eclipsing the original two in the Eastern hemisphere but Part IV is a cult classic that hasn’t caught on with the public on the same scale.

You cannot talk about The Bible without talking about its fans. The fan base for this series is off the charts. I’ve never seen such a dedicated and obsessed fandom in my life. Harry Potter and Star Trek don’t come remotely close. The dedication to Clancy’s fantasy fiction is borderline religious. Based on my internet research, almost every city and town in America has not one but dozens or even hundreds of book clubs, with each club meeting weekly every Sunday for mini-conventions. The club chairperson reads aloud from Clancy’s work and gives lectures about them. These devoted fans have even been depositing copies of the book in the drawers of hotels all over America and occasionally have friendly meetups in abortion clinic parking lots.

His books have generated not one but TWO major amusement parks. One is in Italy, called Vatican City, the other is in Israel, called Jerusalem. The Bible has spawned its own genre of music. The most hard core Bible nerds have even taken to naming their children after characters from the story. Who would give a baby a ridiculous, made-up name like “Mark” or “John?” What’s next? Children named Aragorn and Ender?

Should you read The Bible? Honestly, yes. Most people I have spoken to about this book have bottomless praise for it. It wasn’t for me at all but that doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy it. At the very least, reading it will enable you to understand the inside jokes and references that have permeated our culture.

I’m excited to move on past epic fantasy and into something closer to the traditional Clancy that I was looking for. I’m dipping my toes into the badass, macho adventures of Jack Reacher with the first book of the series, Intercourse by Andrea Dworkin. My readers can expect that review in the next couple of weeks.