THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLFISM

From No Wolves No Masters

There once was a boy who got a night job doing security for an aggro corp. They gave him a uniform, a gun, a 4-wheeler, a radio, and a badge. That last piece of gear seemed strange to him because he was alone at the edge of the woods, and his only authority was over the predators in the wilds who might sniff out the 5,000 head of sheep.

There he was, in nature, among the old growth trees at the end of the lush grazing fields that rolled gently like the surface of a calm sea. The cold wind on his face, the smell of cedar in his nose, the majesty of nature, the quiet sounds of Autumn when the bugs and birds are gone, and the mammals conclude there last chances to horde before the snow comes down. But the boy couldn’t catch a wifi signal. 

The boy was tormented without internet, forced to patrol the perimeter on an ATV, alone, guarding a vast hellscape of quiet, fresh air, and natural beauty. He had no way to judge things by clicking red and green buttons, and no one to complain to about it. Worst of all, he never saw any wolves. Sometimes he heard them in the distance somewhere, howling and pissing the borders of their wolf kingdoms, but they never attacked or bothered the sheep.

But then one day he saw something. Maybe he saw something. He couldn’t be sure. But the boredom was absolute torture and the cold turkey dopamine fast may have caused hallucinations. He thought he saw a wolf. Maybe he did, but maybe he didn’t. Best to play it safe, he thought. He called it in on his radio. The rest of the security force arrived quickly. They didn’t find any wolf or any tracks, or any evidence of a wolf.

His boss approached his with a grim look on his face. The boy swallowed hard. He was certain he might get in trouble for wasting everyone’s time. His boss said, “You did good, boy. Very good. This is no ordinary wolf. This wolf is sneakier than most. It’s more clever. It is able to move without leaving any footprints in the snow. This wolf is very dangerous.” For his good work, the boss took the boy out to lunch.

After another week of patrols, another week without internet during his shift, and the boy was ready to eat his gun. He was so bored. He couldn’t even use his time at work to apply for other jobs online. He realized he forgot to bring lunch. This horrible place didn’t have a Subway for miles. His stomach growled. He picked up his radio and made a false wolf report. Maybe he’d get a free lunch again.

The rest of the security arrived. Again, there was no evidence of a wolf. The boss took the boy back to HQ and into the situation room. The boss showed the boy the new surveillance system. The aggro corp shelled out extra money for the extra sneaky wolf, and without the boy’s knowledge, they had installed motion sensors and tiny video cameras all around the area. The boy was sure he was totally fucked as he was forced to sit and watch while the boss went through all the video logs of motion sensors and video cameras. There was no evidence of wolves. The boss looked pretty pissed. He put a hand on the boy’s shoulder and said, “This wolf is like nothing we’ve ever seen. Somehow it was able to hack our computers and delete any evidence of its existence. Thank God you were there.”

The Third week, the boy had had enough. He didn’t care anymore. He decided to get himself fired so he could at least collect an unemployment check. He picked up his radio and called in a whole pack of wolves, and that they were led by the sneaky wolf he’d claimed to see previously. The rest of security arrived in a fleet of huey helicopters, sliding down ropes, armed with nightvision optics, body armor, balaclavas, and not-to-be-fucked-with rifles. The security team had just hired several private military contractors who were eager to get some. The way they came in, you’d think the sheep were the president of the United States.

They asked him for the sitrep. The boy made outrageous claims. He said the leader wolf was the size of a moose and wore sunglasses and smoked cigarettes. He said the wolf wore an acid-washed jean jacket vest. He said the wolf’s name was Kurt and that he hated the FBI and loved Ian Smith.

They didn’t fire him, though. His boss gave him a pay raise, and promoted him as the head of the new Wolf Tactical Response Team, the 40-strong PMCs. They also gave him a company car. The boy hadn’t expected that. Now he wasn’t sure he wanted to get fired.

The fourth week. The boy wasn’t sure if he could get away with it anymore with all these ex-Marines with him. But after a couple weeks without wold sightings, the boss was saying that maybe the wolves had moved on. Maybe they didn’t need the Wolf Tactical Response Team anymore. The boy really liked that company car. And now he had internet access. So the boy lied again. He pointed into the woods and said, “There he is!” The contractors fired a hail of gunfire and grenades into the woods. After an overwhelming show of force, they cautiously checked to see if they got him. There was no wolf, no blood, no tracks, no nothing. The rest of security arrived.

The boss demanded an explanation. Before he could make anything up, a member of the Tactical Team said he’d seen the wolf, too. But it was bullet proof. The other PMCs agreed. One added that the wolf can become almost invisible, like The Predator. The PMCs all agreed on that, too. The boy wondered if they really liked their jobs and were lying, too, or if they really tricked themselves into believing it.

The boy kept doing it. His budget increased. He didn’t even have to lie the next time. One of the PMCs made up or hallucinated a wolf sighting. All this gunfire got some media attention. The boy was interviewed by an on the scene reporter. The buzz was local at first, then picked up nationally, then internationally. He was an overnight celebrity. He did the cable news circuit and got interviews on podcasts about the growing “Wolf Problem.” Everyone seemed very afraid of this wolf, even people who lived a thousand of miles away.

After the next time the boy cried wolfism, he received some pushback by people on social media. A few people who asked for evidence of wolves were attacked viciously for wolfism. They were doxxed and lost their jobs or kicked out of college. Most were banished from the platforms. Those who survived the purge had their comments marked with disinformation tags. The vice president went on TV to address the rising fear of wolves. Instead of settling people, he insisted that the problem was enormous and all-encompassing, but that he would protect America from the wolves if you voted for him in November. He insisted the opposition party were all wolf-lovers, just like that son of a bitch in Russia.

The boy was in too deep, now. He couldn’t stop if he wanted to. The sixth time he cried wolfism, he was granted an honorary master's degree by Harvard in Wolf Studies, even though he never attended a single class. He was also asked to be a part-time professor.

The seventh time, the story went mega viral. People were claiming the wolf issue wasn’t as bad as people believed, but denying the existence of Wolfism is a form anti-shepherdism. Several major institutions and social media platforms banned any questioning of wolfism. If you don’t believe in wolfism, you don’t believe in wolves, and denying wolves helps wolves, so therefore denying wolfism is wolfism. The UK and Canada passed laws to include wolfism as a form of hate speech.

The eighth time, the boy made a very successful crowd-funding account for his anti-wolf work. He occasionally made short blogs about the wolves and the threat to sheep everywhere. #MeEwe

The ninth time, he received a book deal. The publisher got a ghost writer and editor to do all the work. The book was about wolves, but mostly it was about the system that allowed and encouraged invisible, bullet-proof wolves to eat sheep, because the real problem was structural wolfism. The boy was soon a best-selling author and foremost expert on Critical Wolf Theory.

The tenth time, someone leaked his emails to the public. The boy was certain he was toast. No way they’d let him get away with it this time. Some of the messages included private conversations where he said some things that he wasn’t nearly as anti wolf as his public persona. However he did mention the plight of goats, not sheep, so he got a pass.

The eleventh time, a woman the boy’d never met publicly accused him of raping her three years ago. Lucky for the boy, the story was buried by the corporate media and anti-Wolf activists. Most people never even heard of it besides his most ardent detractors.

The twelfth time, the boy was finally busted for hoaxing a wolf attack. There was no way to cover it up. The evidence was overwhelming. The boy was fucked. But he wasn’t. His fans didn't care. They claimed his lie was telling a larger truth about the problem of systemic structural institutional wolfism in this country. The only people who would criticize him MUST be wolf-winger neo-lupists. They called the leaker a crypto-wolfist, which is a person who behaves like the brave and stunning sheep, but inside is an insidious, evil wolf.

The thirteenth time, the boy finally met his match. The anti-wolf movement would never let an outsider criticize the boy. But an insider could. A younger, more charismatic, more hip anti-Wolfist called the boy out on Tik-Tok for saying something ideologically imperfect three years earlier. The boy apologized for his comments. That made him appear more guilty, not less.

The anti-wolfism movement turned on the boy. Everyone ghosted him. His friends pretended they didn’t know him. People claimed that they actually never really liked him at all and always suspected he was a no-good, possibly even wolf-adjacent, like a coyote. His engagements vanished. His next book deal evaporated. He was fired. If you Googled his name, you’ll find hundreds of articles about his betrayal of the anti-wolf movement. His Wikipedia page described him as a wolf-wing, rabid, openly anti-shepherdist, and vaguely associated with the Proud Cubs. His money dried up and a new generation of anti-wolf activists took over. The boy was sidelined and became irrelevant.

Fifteen years later, Netflix made a documentary about those ridiculous and unverifiable rape allegations against him. He became famous again for being a rapist. He was banned off of many major internet services after public pressure. Then it didn't matter if he had wifi or not, because he couldn't do anything on the internet.

THE END